How I Learned to Let Go and Maybe Possibly Be Interested in Ladyfolk More Than I Expected.

Almost a year since writing anything here which is completely unsurprising, as that is the story of most of my internet endeavors: Start a Cafepress account, upload a few graphics, completely forget about it until I receive a check for $25(!) in the mail 15 months later. Yes, I have convinced myself that if I just put in some effort, I could make my fortune on Cafepress. Twenty-five dollars! Every six months! And I don't do anything! What if I applied myself?  Here is what I sell. No, this is not a joke:

Again, smallfolk: WHAT IF I APPLIED MYSELF? Gold. Mine. Myriads of black polyester t-shirts commanding you to obey cartoon animals. It's genius. (Note: I am never allowed to complain about my job again, when I obviously could be making millions making "Obey the Iguana" shirts/iPhone covers/mugs).

Anyway.

When I started this blog I was in a Serious Relationship. With a dude.  Which was fine. He is an amazing person, and I am glad I had him in my life.  The only problems were A) I did not want a Serious relationship and B) I'm not entirely certain I'm even interested in dudes at all anymore. As of a year ago, I was a pretty open bisexual gal.  Then in December I had an Actual Experience With A Ladyperson. Yes.

Instead of scratching the itch, it opened, you guessed, THAT box. Pandora's Box. Which, now that I think of it, is like a big ol' allegory for vagina, idn't it? Box, box? No? Moving right along then.

So said Manfriend actually facilitated this Lady Experience, which was amazing of him; lesser men would have felt too threatened by my nascent sexual identity to want to actually push some buttons and see what happens. Very long story short, I started fundamentally questioning my sexuality on a level I never had before.  I realized that now that I had given myself permission to acknowledge that possible realty, the question got a lot more complicated.  Long repressed feelings started to emerge (more on that in the future).  

So, People of Middle Earth, I'm a bit confused. Sadly, I ended the relationship. I love him, but it was time.  We needed different things, the End. Last time I broke up with someone, it was very clear.  This time, not so much.  Last time, I knew where I stood after; I felt confident in my ability to make choices to determine my future and identity.

Now...now I'm pretty sure I just need to date some girls and see what the fuck happens. I know I like girls. I suppose I'm afraid to find out just how much I like girls.

Leaping On a Beach in Chiffon - The Starbuck Story

I've been researching lez culture. Tumblr, Autostraddle, Effingdykes, Queerty, you name it. I started ODing on "The L Word" about a month ago and that hasn't helped my confusion.  Gah, the ledies, they be so sexxxxxy. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN.  I guess I'm caught up in my vague notions of queer politics + my confusion + societal pressures. I would hate to announce "I'm GAY" and then be reallllly attracted to a dude in year. BUT sexuality is fluid and why should I care what people think?

Also, because I'm feeling super gay right now, I want other gay ladies to talk to. I know some, which is great, but I don't want to insult them by being all "I THINK I'M GAY OR MAYBE JUST REALLY BI and you're gay so TEACH ME." Like, you're the Only Lesbian I Know so it's you're job to teach me. Would you be insulted were this the scenario presented to you? 

What makes this all the more confusing is that I've absolutely had latent Homo Feelings since I was, like, seven. 

On top of which, there is still undealt with emotional fallout from said relationship. 

As you can see,  muggles, it's all very complicated.  So I'm just going to finish this beer and go to sleep. More Gay(?) Thoughts later(maybe).

Oh, hi Shane! Lookin' good.  In a totally platonic way....-drool-

-Starbuck